9. Galivanting in Italy.

After her graduation, Suzanne had a week off before her internship program began in one of the local hotels. As I had a few weeks credit to my leave, I and a friend, Andrew, made a plan for a holiday in Europe. We took a grueling-no-smoking thirteen-hour flight to London and onward to Zurich where Suzanne was already waiting at the airport. For the benefit of Andrew, we took the train to Lausanne to let him see and feel the thrill of traveling across the beautiful countryside, and of course also for Suzanne to pick up a few things from her college for our journey to Italy. Though I have traveled the route before, the thrill of viewing the countryside did not get any lesser for me.

From Lausanne we proceeded to Italy via Lugano and unto Milan, our first stop in Italy. We had a few hours in Milan where we did, among others, some browsing on some antique-looking artifacts peddled by some peddlers of African origin. While walking through downtown Milan, I couldn't help being reminded of Shakespeare although I didn't quite remember what or where it was he spoke about Milan. Was it in Macbeth, in the Merchant of Venice? Whatever! From Milan we proceeded to Venice. That night we had an unusually sumptuous dinner, which we had partly in celebration of Suzanne's graduation.

Venice was as remarkable as I had imagined it to be. It's really a city in the sea where one has to travel in gondolas to various destinations. While in one of those gondolas, Suzanne and I sat close to each other, with my hands lightly tucked around her waist, basking in the magic of being together in a far away land while being ferried in a gondola. We could feel a surge of unbounded love released between us. We ever wondered aloud whether the magic could last forever, or whether we would experience ever again such romance and magic perhaps in some other time and setting. We visited lots of memorable places where we bought, among others, some venetian masks and two look-alike gilded rings which we slipped into our fingers as our make-believe engagement rings. And of all things, we also bought a piece of old coconut meat which we nibbled off as we hopped from shop to shop. Strange, but it was perhaps an attempt on our part to invoke a nostalgic memory of a place so far away which we called our home where coconut meat was aplenty.

After a couple of days in Venice, we proceeded to Florence where we put up for another couple of nights before proceeding to Rome. While at Florence, we visited an antiquated but grand Cathedral where we took time to light a few prayer candles to Our Lady. I imagined She didn't smile but I did beg her to pray for us, not as I wanted it but as she deemed fit. As we exited the compound of the Cathedral, two strange events immediately happened. It had been raining, so as we exited, I almost slipped on the the slippery tarmac of the Church compound but for my quick reaction to balance myself, only to flipped my hand against Andrew's groin which doubled him up in pain. As we went further, Andrew extended a compassionate help to a beggar by handing him over a few loose change only to attract a throng of 20 to 30 beggars engulfing him for more handouts, much to his shock! We had to run into a store for protection with the beggars running pied-piper fashion after us. Having just exited a Church, I have wondered if there might have been a message for us by those incidents. Anyways, I let it go at that apart from being the wiser about being generous to beggars while on a tour.

On the same day, having noticed from a map that Pisa was not very far away from where we were, we took a taxi to see the famous Leaning Tower of Pisa. It was indeed leaning, and for the last eight centuries, we were told. We couldn't climb it then, as it was under renovation. Also, because of a heavy downpour, we were prevented from browsing through the gift stalls which were constructed not quite unlike those vegetables stalls at Kundasang back home.

The Chinese has a saying which sounds as follows, "..where there's smoke, there are Chinese." I suspected someone coined that before the invention of the microwave oven. But true enough, wherever I was, whether in Europe or in the U.S, there were always Chinese restaurants. So it was that in our first night in Florence we had dinner in a Chinese restaurant which was quiet when we came in but turned out bustling with Japanese tourists as the night progressed. Suddenly, I had an idea, "...Andrew, why don't you take an 'engagement dinner' picture of us with the Japanese tourists in the background as 'guests'?" Suzanne chuckled at the idea calling it preposterous, but seeing the comedy behind went along with it. And so Andrew took a photo or two of Suzanne and me doing a mock exchange of engagement rings with the Japanese diners as 'guests'. If only they knew. We had a big laugh...

The next day we proceeded to Rome by train.

8. Her School Performance.

In spite of her constant travel, Susan did quite well in school. By the third semester of her last year in school she had garnered enough points to put her above a three-point average in her overall performance. Her main drawback, she ever complained, was her French which she barely passed, though she spoke the language quite fluently, as when she spoke to the front desk personnel at a hotel in Geneva. To my amazement, she actually spoke French fluently. "She's picked up a working knowledge of the language while working at the Hotel Consul," she had bragged. But, then again, Susan was quite a linguist in a way. She spoke Hakka, Mandarin and Japanese apart from English, Bahasa Malaysia and her mother tongue.

I have always considered her a fast learner and competitive too. She had told me of an incident while she was still a tot. Having no one taking care of the children at home, her parents sent her to preschool together with her elder brother. In her final year exam, her result actually exceeded that of her brother. But he got promoted to primary one while she got retained for another year, and with her juniors too, being underage for the primary one class, much to her disappointment. Her competitive trait would manifest later during her secondary school sojourn. For instance, she was a Minister of Health in her school cabinet, a post she was appointed to having been elected in her school's parliamentary election. She had also shown some competitive ability in the athletic field. She represented her school in several events, particularly in the shot put event and the 200 meter dash. She once represented the State in hockey. In a way she was an all-rounder, a jack-of-all-trade but a master-of-none, I ever teased her, much to her feigned chagrin.

In a quite different subject, She has related to me of an experience working under strange situation in Europe. As a student-worker, she once volunteered for a waitress job in a function held at an antiquated castle in Switzerland, which involved the rich and the famous from all over Europe. The party lasted the whole day long. It was a party of a kind, she explained, which started from very early in the morning with various dishes served at intervals continuing right into the night leaving everyone exhausted and tired, including those who consumed those dishes, who would also be drunk by the day's end. Every time she raised this subject, she would brag of how she withstood the ordeal of working more than 15 hours in a stretch in an environment where efficiency was exacted. And I would teasingly feign wonder if the function might not have been one organized by the Freemasons of Europe.

Before the end of her last semester, she also took an examination with the Black & Decker of London for a certificate which could get her hotel qualification recognized in most parts of the World. She thought she did well but she never did receive her certificate as she was out of touch with her college soon after leaving it.

After graduating, she was given a choice of doing her internship program in any hotel in any part of the world which has an affiliation with her College. She chose a hotel in Switzerland much to her regrets in later times, not so much about the educational value of her attachment but on the missed opportunity to travel in another country. But travel, we did, and our next stop was Italy.

7. Our Rendezvous In London

Sometime in the Summer of 1993, we arranged a rendezvous in London. She was having her school vacation and I was on a two-week official visit. On the day I reached London I called her and by three in the afternoon we were already having tea together at the lobby of my hotel.

In between official visits, We would explore London on our own. On one occasion, we hopped on the canopy of one of the city's double-decker which plied all over starting from the Piccadilly Circus terminal passing through places some of which we have only read about in books and magazines, like the Hyde Park, the Trafalgar Square, the Tower of London, the London Bridge and the like. We also ran around Trafalgar square feeding and chasing birds, quite bemused by how free and well provided they were. We mused that we too were free, free in the midst of the sea of people in the heart of London, a city often frequented by the rich and famous, kings and royalties, the free and the powerful. We too were there free from the prying eyes of judgemental people.

Dinner time was fun time. We would go restaurant-hopping and with her expertise she would make the order and educate me on the etiquettes and fine arts of western dining. On a couple of occasions, just to feel quite at home, we went for Chinese in restaurants which unfortunately did not serve quite the dishes with the Malaysian flavor we were accustomed to.

On one occasion after dinner, we walked in and around Hyde Park till past midnight quite unaware of a ban on visits past ten o'clock. We were informed of this later by friends who were quite concerned with our conspicuous absence the previous night. We were lucky we didn't get caught, and all for the better because she was due to return to Lausanne, or she would have missed a few days of lectures slouching in some British lock-up.

My official trip included also the Netherlands, France, Spain and Italy. Unfortunately, Susan could not accompany me in that leg of my trip. So as she flew back to Geneva, I continued my trip on my own to Amsterdam, Paris, Madrid and onward to Rome and the Vatican City, very much missing her company which could have added much to the romantic flavor of the whole trip. While in Rome I climbed the Tower of St. Peter's where I scribbled my name and hers all over in graffiti.

6. A Rendezvous In Europe

I visited Suzanne in the late Spring of 1992. Having not seen her for months, she was a picture of happiness when we met. In the first couple of days, with her as guide, we took time to explore all the nooks and corners of Geneva, visiting places like the Geneva Convention Hall where international issues were discussed and decided, and the renown Rolex watch showroom where high-end Rolex watches were offered for sale at factory prices. We also walked hand-in-hand along the bank of the Geneva lake with the snow-capped Alps in the backdrop and the cool Alps mountain breeze blowing softly against our faces, her hair fluttering tenderly brushing against my face, rendering a scenario quite reminiscent of a hindi-film love scene. It was such a moment of ecstasy for the both of us.

During the next few days we explored the greater part of Switzerland. Armed with an Olympus camera and an assortment of tour maps, we toured almost all the bold-fonted towns displayed in the maps, staying at least overnight in each destination. We visited more than half a dozen towns like Lausanne, Lucerne, Basel, Bern, Brig, Zurich, Lugano, Zermat etc basking in the beauty of the awesome and panoramic views of those places and wallowing on the architectural splendour of both modern and antiquated buildings. At Zermat, we had a close range view of the majestic Matterhorn mountain, one made famous back home by a cigarette brand by the same name. We sighed as we beheld its sheer majesty, my hands lightly tucked on her shoulders.

This was my first visit to Europe, and I must admit that I was much awestruck by all the panoramic splendor of the countryside and the ultra modern facilities available in that part of the world. The whole cacophony of things both natural and man-made were awesome and overwhelming which somewhat added to the magic of our adventure together.

My next visit was in the Fall about 5 months later. Suzanne's vacation was acommodative of a week travel, so we decided to take a tour of Austria. We took a train in Geneva and proceeded to Zurich during which we had a good sampling of the rural scenes of Switzerland. Awesome! We put up a night at Zurich before proceeding to Salzburg in Austria the next day. At Salzburg we made a tour of the city, visiting famous places like the Bethoven house, where a century or so ago Bethoven composed the song now made very famous world over: the 'Silent Night', and the house where some scenes of the musical, 'Sound of Music' was shot. Not far from there was a view of an almost endless fields of growing wheat invoking some nostalgia of an era when padi was still grown in my kampung. I couldn't help noticing the twinkle in Suzanne's eyes for she too must have been overwhelmed by the sheer majesty of the panorama before us.

From Salzburg we proceeded to Linz where we had a quick lunch before doing a round of sight-seeing around town. It was mid afternoon when we boarded the next train to Vienna, where we spent the night savoring Deutch cuisines in candle light at Berring street and sampling some quite expensive night spots in downtown Vienna. As we arrived quite late the previous day, it was only on the next day that the majestic splendor of the city impacted fully upon us. We took a cab, and as usual, Suzanne navigated while I searched the streets, savoring the uniqueness of the many structures we passed by. At lunch time, we stopped by a restaurant perched on the plateau of a low mount overlooking the whole city where we could see the Danube meandering across the city, and identify some famous landmarks, such as the 40,000-bed hospital of Vienna. While there, we pondered. We pondered on about a lot of things among them being the viability of our future together.

We planned to fly back to Geneva that evening, but finding the trip too expensive we opted for the train instead. We took a cabin in which we slept through our journey home, with Susan lying snugly beside me perhaps still pondering on the question about the viability of our future together.

5. Susan went To College

In late 1991 Susan received news of her admission into the Hotel Consul in Lausanne, Switzerland for a two-year diploma course in Hotel and Catering. She was so excited but confided that she feared she would miss me much.

In early 1992 she flew to Kuala Lumpur en route to Geneva. She had a transit stop at the Dubai airport from where she called back expressing, quite excitedly, her awe of the place. She was quick to say that she missed me already. I missed her too but I was also happy for her.

I especially missed her happy-go-lucky countenance every time she was with me. She was full of zest. She kind of adored me, though she was not particularly possessive nor ever indulged in self pity. She was the kind of girl who would look at a situation positively and would come up with some response. She had a solution for any situation and went through with it. She rarely procrastinated on a task at hand. She was zealous. I too have come to feel much attached to her. I was willing to make sacrifices and do away with whatever taboos there were in the way to be with her. In fact, I found it untenable to drop out of the relationship. But mindful of my religious background, I ever cried to God for help, for forgiveness, for release ... for whatever! But that was not about to be for several more years to come.

It was in the wee hour of the next morning when she next called. It was probably about 10.00 pm where she was at and that was at the Hotel Consul in Lausanne into which she had checked in soon after arriving by train from Geneva.

4. In The Ensuing Months.

In the ensuing months I realized that Suzanne and I were more than friends. That's how I felt she felt too. Phoebe has become a sweet memory in the back seat of my mind. Susan has now become my preoccupation. In our prolonged absence from each other, she would miss me and I would her. She would look for some excuses to call me. During her off-duty she would call me, if not for a round or two of bowling matches at the Merdeka Bowling Alley, it would be for an evening walk at the Tanjung Aru 3rd beach or for a long chat at the lobby of one of the 5-star hotels in town. At times we would go to the movie, or to some Karaoke joints where we would belt out some of the current and not-so-current favorites. There were times when we went on for drinking sprees the whole night long, showing-off our self-proclaimed intimacy with the various concoctions of drinks listed in the cocktail menus. Her favorite drink was some concoction she called Bailey which I later found out to be just a concoction of some milk and brandy. I stuck to Irish coffee, a concoction of coffee and whiskey.

Months passed by and our relationship went deeper. We skipped calling each other on first name basis. I would call her 'honey' and she would call me 'D'. I never did know what 'D' stood for. I never did ask her. Was it for 'darling' or 'Daddy' for sugar daddy? Of course it got upgraded later to 'Daddy' when we had our first child, but that was not until late 1994.

3. A New Chapter.

Weeks after Phoebe's departure, I was still intensely remorseful. I missed her so much. Sweet memories of moments we spent together kept flashing in my mind, devastating me all over again. It was hard to keep her off my mind. At times , in moments like this, I would pop in a swig or two of Chivas to drown off my brokenness. One fateful day, while in such a state, I drove downtown and made a detour to the lobby of the Hyatt-Kinabalu for some quiet time and soft music to soothe my mind. I took my seat at the table, where Phoebe and I were together the last time we were around, to reminisce on the past.

A waitress came to take my order. I had a passing glimpse of her, whom I thought was quite pretty, but I did not really take a good look. I ordered Irish coffee, which became two, three..... The next few days I was back for more until suddenly I realized I was there most evenings. By then her friends were already teasing her about me, referring to me as her 'special' customer every time I came in. She would be the one to serve me. I continued going Irish which she, as a matter of hotel gimmick, had to concoct in my presence. Small conversations ensued which turned friendly and in subsequent days became more personal. We exchanged background and histories and soon we were addressing each other on first name basis. Her name was Suzanne, Suzanne Patrick Adau.

Suzanne hailed from Apin-apin, Keningau but she, "grew up all over places", she confided. Her father was a marine policeman who got transferred all over places during her growing-up period. At the time of our meeting, she was twenty. She had just returned from Singapore where she took up her internship at the Raffles Hotel as a prerequisite for a course of study in catering and hospitality conducted by the National Productivity Centre in Kuala Lumpur.

2. In The Interlude..

I was sitting at the lobby of the Kinabalu-Hyatt hotel quietly sipping my last cup of Irish Coffee while reminiscing on memories of past events. It was about 11.00 o'clock. The music had stopped and only a few late-nighters were around. The year was 1991. I had just broken up with Phoebe (not her real name), my friend of eight years.

A week or so before, Phoebe had flown to Vancouver to get married to a guy whom she barely knew apart from the fact that he was introduced to her by her relatives. I felt completely remorseful, not that we had a bad parting. On the contrary, we had a romantic albeit a dramatic one. On the day of her departure I was to send her off at the Kota Kinabalu International Airport, after all we had agreed to remain as good friends. Unfortunately, I was caught up in a jam. By the time I reached the departure hall, the final boarding call was already made and I guessed she was already half way into the walkway bridge. This was a meeting of a kind that I could not miss or, " I would regret it for the rest of my life," I remember thinking. Being quite well known among the airport security officers, I made a frantic request to be allowed to see her for the last time, "at least at the doorway of the 747 carrier," I earnestly requested. The officer, quite sympathetic to my predicament, reluctantly permitted me. This was, of course, way before the Nine-Eleven episode. With the security officer tagging close behind me, I practically dashed across the departure hall into the bridge frantically calling out Phoebe's name. It crossed my mind that she might already be out of ear shot, and for a while I was quite resigned to the fact that I might not see her any more. It was a case of being 'so close yet so far'. A picture of me walking back towards the sunset drooping with utter disappointment conjured up in my mind. I was at the verge of giving up when suddenly, there before me was Phoebe in person, with her angelic smile and blurry eyes. A heartfelt, "thank you, Lord" ejaculated out of my heart as we embraced tightly. We exchanged sweet glances, savored the sight of each other and said our emotion-filled goodbyes. I knew that I would not be able to say all the things that I needed to say in that meeting, so I handed her a 12-page letter which I'd written earlier for her to read while airborne.

As we stared into each other's eyes an intense emotion engulfed me. If aura had color, we would perhaps be seen engulfed in intensely thick fire-red glow of love . But we must part. I was married and I was, church-wise, unavailable to her. I couldn't really blame her for having decided to go the way she did.

We were very aware that our world would instantly change the moment we stepped away from each other. We both knew that we could never be a family that we'd ever dreamed of, that there would never be a tomorrow for us together as we had envisaged . As she entered the plane and went out of view, the reality of our separation suddenly weighed on me. She was no longer a part of me as I had care-freely considered her to be not so long ago. I couldn't cry nor could I focus. I was just devastated.

1. Prologue

At 2.27 am on 12th October, 2007 I received a cellphone message which read, " The Lord be praised for a friend like you, who's been very caring and loving, emboldening me to hold a hope for tomorrow. Daddy, you are very special to me. I love you with all my being. Shalom..." Signed Suzanne. At 5.09 a.m I was embracing her lifeless body.

I am putting these events in writing to immortalized the memory of a friend with whom I have shared intimate moments together - moments during which we envisioned and verbalized the 'terrain and geography' of our future even into the 'realm in the beyond'.

Our paths crossed in 1991, and by mutual, albeit passive, consent, we have allowed them to merge to the extent that our respective life histories merged along a common time-line. In time, this time-line would most certainly branch into a network of time-lines surging forward deep into the very remote future for she left me with three children, two boys and a girl, who certainly would continue to pass the baton of our legacy to our posterity.

I am writing about my dearest friend and for a time a life-partner, Suzanne Patrick Adau, how she lived and hoped, how she loved and sacrificed and how she, in the final moment of her earthly life, made a complete abandonment of her life to a fate surrendered to God's mercy and providence

Seven years before the conclusion of her earthly sojourn, we, as parents to our children, made a sacred pact to lead our lives in line with ecclesial moral codes while holding our family intact. That's one big irony. We didn't expect society to understand nor did we seek understanding. We just lived true to our pact and placed our trust on divine mercy and providence.

Since our fateful meeting in 1991, she sacrificed a life journey along a path that was well trodden, and instead embarked along one less-trodden with just the love we had for each other as beacon. Suzanne lived and loved being ever hopeful for an exciting future with our children whom she was raising with great love until that tragic day, on the 15th June, 2007, when, without any earlier warning, she was confronted with the shocking news that she had cervical cancer of the fourth stage . She called me, and in between sobs, told me of the devastating news. She sounded and must be devastated. I was too. I was actually numbed to the core. I knew the implication. I just didn't know what to say or how to re-act to her present predicament. It was a 'death' sentence, and she knew it! I could only weakly attempt to lift her spirit by leading her to focus her faith in Christ.

There was to be a healing session at the Sacred Heart Cathedral that evening which I earnestly urged her to attend. She attended, and according to her, she was spared the 'pain' that usually came along with the dreaded disease.

She loved God and proceeded to abandon her fate to God. In one of our private moments together, I've ever asked her if she might ever doubt God. With a zealous expression of her faith, She confided to me that she'd resolved to surrender her fate completely to God, and in Him, she would continue to live her life with ever the vigor.

She never did abandon God whom she knew was merciful. She went ahead and adopted the First Saturday devotion to Our Lady, became a daily communicant and allotted a greater portion of her time in prayerful moments with God until her life expired in the wee morning of October 12th, 2007, but not before offering her infirmity to Him for the souls of the sufferings. I'd suggested that she did that. On her deathbed, she articulated her last act of contrition, "Lord, forgive us our sins..." as she expired in my embrace in the presence of our offspring who, confronted with the reality at hand, came up one by one to whisper 'Good Bye, Mummy' as they embraced the lifeless body of their Mom who, a moment ago, was the only mother they had loved and had ever looked up to. I noticed that she had the Brown Scapular on her. I silently prayed the Divine Mercy Chaplet.